Seven questions to answer before you talk about herpes

Before you work out what to say, answer seven questions about herpes honestly. The answers shape how the conversation goes long before you open your mouth.

These are the questions I asked myself early on, after my HSV-2 diagnosis in September 2020. I had no medical background. I studied fitness, not medicine. But working through these questions is what turned disclosure from something I dreaded into an easy topic. They work whether you've never had the conversation before or you've tried it and it went badly.

Most of them aren't about the other person at all. They're about what herpes actually is, who has it, and what you're really doing when you bring it up. Get those answers right and the words come much more easily.

Prefer to watch? This guide is based on my video above.

1. Is a cold sore herpes?

Yes. A cold sore is an oral outbreak of the herpes simplex virus, usually HSV-1. Not something "like" herpes. Herpes.

It sounds like a basic question, but it confuses a huge number of people, because we've been taught to treat the two as completely different things. Someone with a sore on their lip calls it a cold sore partly because "herpes" is a label they're scared of. Some of my clients have HSV-1 on their genitals. The virus doesn't care what you call it. Same virus family, different location, very different reputation.

Facts don't care about your feelings, and this fact sets up everything that follows.

2. Can a cold sore cause genital herpes, and should that be disclosed?

Yes, it can. HSV-1 from a cold sore can be passed to the genitals through oral sex, and in some countries HSV-1 now causes more new genital infections than HSV-2. Of everything I've learned through years of research and advocacy, this is the fact most people don't know, and it's the one that breaks the stigma apart.

Here's how most people see it. Type 1 is oral, everyone has it, no big deal, no need to mention it. Type 2 is the shameful one. There are some differences between genital HSV-1 and genital HSV-2, but they're small. Now picture someone who gets genital HSV-1, feels huge shame about it and feels pressured to disclose, when the person they got it from just gets the odd cold sore and has never thought twice about it. That makes no sense.

Nobody wants genital herpes. Nobody wants oral herpes either. So in a world that made sense, both types would be disclosed, and that includes anyone who gets cold sores.

3. Do more people have herpes than don't?

Look at the worldwide picture. HSV-1 alone is carried by well over half the world's population. Add HSV-2 on top, allow for people who have both, and it's fair to say roughly half the world or more has herpes in some form.

Now put that next to question two. If both types should be disclosed, then around half the world should be having this conversation. How much herpes disclosure is actually happening compared to how much should be? Almost none.

I'm not pointing this out to make you feel better about having something common. I'm using it to change where you stand. If you test positive for either type, you're in the majority, and disclosing is the normal thing. So when someone reacts like herpes is the worst thing they've ever heard, my honest thought is: have you never had someone disclose to you before? You do realize both types are common, both can cause genital herpes, and both should be disclosed?

Disclosure should be happening in a world that makes sense.

That's the worldview I take into dating. I'm not the only person doing some shameful thing nobody else does. I'm doing the thing that should be normal.

4. Is herpes on a standard STI test, and could your partner have it?

Herpes usually isn't part of a standard STI panel, for either type. Lots of people have it with no symptoms, or with symptoms so mild they never notice. Put those together and the person you're about to talk to could easily have herpes and not know it.

Take the genital HSV-1 example again. There's a good chance the person across from you grew up getting cold sores. If their answer to question one is "cold sores aren't herpes," they have no reason to mention it, no reason to connect it to you, and no idea it's relevant.

That moves you from vulnerability to curiosity. What do you have? What do I have? What precautions make sense for us? Now it's a mutual conversation about sexual health, not a confession. Walk in with that energy and your partner picks it up, and they're far less likely to be scared off by the conversation itself.

5. Should you talk about sexual health before or after sex?

Before. Not the morning after, lying there hoping everything's fine. The answer is obvious, but asking yourself the question still helps in two ways.

First, it makes you pick your discomfort. You can feel the discomfort of someone saying no before anything happens. Or you can feel the guilt, the shame and the messy reaction when you eventually feel you have to tell them after you've already been intimate. One of those is far worse, and it isn't the first one.

Second, it reminds you that this conversation protects you too. A lot of people with herpes act like they've lost the right to take their own sexual health seriously. You haven't. Talking before you're intimate lets you gauge the other person's sexual maturity. Do they know what STI testing involves? Do they care about their own health? What precautions do they want? Are they asking you questions back?

In my experience, when we've talked openly about sexual health, including what each of us likes in the bedroom, the connection has been deeper and the whole thing more enjoyable than tiptoeing into bed and hoping for the best.

6. Did the person who gave you herpes tell you?

This might be the most important question on the list. For most people, the answer is no. Of all the people with herpes I've talked to, only a handful got it from someone who disclosed to them. Most of us, me included, got it from someone who didn't know they had it, didn't recognize their symptoms, didn't know a cold sore was herpes, or didn't care.

That tells you a few things.

• Passing it on isn't guaranteed. There's a chance, but it's not a certainty. As far as I know, I've never given herpes to anyone since my diagnosis.
• The safest partners are the ones who know. You can take precautions together, like condoms, daily antivirals and avoiding contact during an outbreak. You can tell your partner, "I think I'm feeling off today," and the right person says, "Thanks for telling me. Let's hold off for a few days."
• You don't have to have this conversation. You get to. You get to take precautions with your partner. You get to find someone who likes you for you and values honesty. And you never end up passing it to someone when neither of you knew.

Knowing your status isn't the burden it feels like. It's your superpower.

7. If they leave over herpes, were they ever your person?

The last question: if someone likes everything about you and still leaves the moment they hear the word herpes, were they ever really your person?

Yes, disclosure will scare some people away. People who weren't that into you. People who only wanted to sleep with you. People so attached to the stigma that they'll never question it. Now picture the partner you actually want: someone who likes you for you, appreciates honesty, sees you beyond your diagnosis, and is willing to learn and rethink what they thought they knew about herpes. That person doesn't cast you aside over one word.

So when someone leaves, you can see it for what it probably is. They weren't that into you, and it wouldn't have worked out for other reasons anyway.

There's one honest exception. If you went in apologizing, unsure of your facts, or not yet believing you have much to offer, the way you disclosed may have played a part. That's worth working on before your next disclosure, not after.

Why the answers matter more than the words

Answer these honestly and something shifts. You stop seeing yourself as the only person out there with herpes, confessing something nobody else has. You see disclosure as something that should be happening everywhere. You carry that energy into the conversation, and your partner reflects it back at you.

That's why my 3-step system starts where it does: knowledge and stigma first, then confidence and self-worth, then dating and disclosure skills. When you're ready for the timing and the exact words, my full guide on how to tell someone you have herpes walks through them.